I hope this week has brought some relief on all fronts. I remember being at the mercy of the rising Paris heat in a sixth floor chambre de bonne. But the temps were nothing like what you've been having.
Total commiseration! I hate the heat and always have. Summer was always my least favorite season. Add mosquitoes who have decided they love me. Fortunately our house has air conditioning, but it is the first time in my 83 life. Well I"d better go walk the dog before it starts heating. If you return to Sauve I can invite you over...
What an intense experience, I’m so sorry! And truly the lack of AC in hospitals is outrageous. I understand why they don’t have them in apartments, but surely controlling the climate for our sick and recovering is of utmost priority? I’m hoping you feel better soon.
Your writing about the Paris heat wave is as sharp as an arrow— your brain has yet to fry on the sidewalk! Thank you for making it come alive in a way “Le Monde” fails to address.
I know these don’t exist anymore, but in Los Angeles heat waves of yore, we would go to 24/7 movie theaters — open round the clock, often showing porn or at the very least, kung fu movies.
I didn’t know, didn’t care — I’d bring a headlamp to read my own book, chat loudly with my friends— the guys who go to these movies are mostly cruising each other, so no one cared WHAT you did.
I know you know this, but the “mommy” side of me wants you to take your happy pills until the heat wave breaks — you can’t get addicted overnight, and it will be a balm to your soul when no air-conditioning is present. You poor baby! Sending you icy frigid love . . .
I have been a longtime fan of your work and was thrilled to see you here! I'm kind of overwhelmed with happiness. I love your erotica anthologies and all else. You are a hero to women everywhere. I'm pinching myself. Love!
Thank you, Susie! What a wonderful message to receive. It is terrific to hear this from you. I love your stories of the 24-hour movie theatres and love picturing you reading with your headlamp. Are you still in LA? I've made it two days without any anti-anxiety meds which feels good. Although we have more heat predicted next week, so I am scared. Keep sending that icy frigid love! I hope all is well with you! Love, Jennifer
Jennifer, so sorry to hear of all you are going through. You have more energy even in this heat than most of us, I think! You seem to go to more readings, theatre, films, museums etc in a week than I do in a year, and you've inspired me to up my game! That said, I was thinking just two days ago about exactly what you are writing about here, i.e. fears and anxieties re: approaching end of life. My dad struggled wit this, and I drove him all around Denver (for hours!) to half a dozen hospitals because all of them asked if he felt like harming someone else or himself, the criteria to be admitted. (It was a 'no' when we started at 9 a.m., he told me, but by 5 pm? He said his answer had changed, haha). Finally, the first hospital we started with accepted him, and he spent a week there – this actually did help and gave him support. He then returned home. With the two Ts, you have so much love and support, not to mention your many friends. As for swimming in lakes? – yes, pristine lakes used to be free and you'd just jump in! I gave up and renewed my membership at a lake here, £££! But clean water and lifeguards, plus this heat, made me take the plunge so to speak. Still! Why can't we have clean water in our lakes and seas ... free, and free to access? As always, sending all best wishes and hugs, and hopes for a cooler week!
Thank you for sharing this America! I am sorry your dad had to go through so much in order to find help. It sounds like he still managed to have a sense of humor, remarkably! I am insanely grateful for the support I have. And yes, free waters to all! Love to you.
Thanks Jennifer, it helps to share that we are not all so brave i.e. 'stoically coping' as you say, all the time! (To be fair, my dad's hospital room was not 100 degrees). I meant to say, I certainly hope your books are well placed and you have time to enjoy said placement, bringing them out in the world. I loved 'Exile Music' and have 'Ambassador's Wife' lined up next.
Having followed your story closely the past six months, I find it to be a remarkable, moving, gritty, occasionally heartbreaking, detailed guidebook (I hesitated on that word) for how to live. Not just how to live when you’ve been told about your likely impending death, but how to live in general.
Here are some things that stand out to me:
- The photo of the town square with the orange background,
- The chocolate mousse bar: which one(s) did you try???
- “Put your pajamas in the freezer. Sleep with a wet towel. Strap a block of ice to your back.”
- “Write down my memories of my parents so that they don’t die with me.” (You could also dictate this, record yourself on your phone, in case the act of writing is too tiring)
- “I told him everything that was scaring me. Once I had unspooled all my fears, I felt calm enough to head home.”
- “Above all, I am afraid that I will die this summer and ruin Theo’s summer plans.”
- “At least I was cool. And surrounded by others in the community seeking refuge. It felt a calm oasis. There was even a photography exhibit on the ground floor. It all calmed my nervous system.”
- “At home Theo and I spent the evening reading together on my bed in front of the cooling machines until I slept.”
- “I cried in front of the children. Finally, I gave up and took half an anti-anxiety medication. I don’t like to take them as I don’t want to get addicted, but the situation had become insupportable.”
So beautiful, the things you’re doing and feeling. That was good advice from Troy.
One thing that struck me was your reluctance to take medication even when the panic becomes unbearable. It made me wonder whether the fear of dependence is causing you to endure more suffering than you need to. No one needs to white-knuckle panic attacks like that – panic which is perfectly understandable and normal. I also assume that the fear of addiction is wrapped up with wanting to stay as mentally clear, intellectually engaged, able to write, able to make decisions (and not be too sedated), and able to be conscious and connected to Theo, Tim, and friends – is that right?
That seems like a worthwhile conversation to have with your doctors, both in terms of dosage and type of anti-anxiety medicine. In France, cancer patients have the absolute right to receive the appropriate level and kind of anxiolytic, prescribed according to your entire clinical situation of course. (See https://www.parlons-fin-de-vie.fr/).
Sending love.
OH! Also: if you're medically/physically able to get away from Paris, and want to be in quiet, relatively cool environment with a swimming pool and Brittany beaches about 30 minutes away, we have space at La Source. Typically a visitor can stay for a week (or more) and the requested but negotiable fee is only 15 euros per person per night. We have room in the main house and in a camper van parked next to the horses and goats. TGV to Morlaix is 3 hours. https://www.instagram.com/p/Cw8bmACMmbA/
This is a suffocating piece to read. I’m so sorry. The discipline and passion with which you hold the lifeline that is your writing is inspiring. But I wish you also just got a break like a new drug trial and a book contract with a substantial advance.
I have first-hand experience with heat waves, anxiety and ovarian cancer, so loads of empathy coming from my little corner of Nor-Cal. We experienced a pretty strong earthquake here last week, so I am jumpy now at every shift and jostle. It took me a couple of days to get everything back where it goes, all the drawers closed that the earth shook open, and the pictures straightened out. But it is blissfully cool here, and I'm looking up into our Grand-Dad oak and wishing you peace and chill.
Thank you, Karen! The earthquake sounds scary. I'm not surprised you're feeling jumpy having felt the earth tremble under your feet. I hope that it stays still. I am sorry you have first-hand experience with ovarian cancer, heat waves, and anxiety and hope that you have recovered and or found relief. Or are you in treatment? I am grateful that you are thinking of me as you look up into your tree! I am a huge fan of trees. xo
I am currently in remission, but monitored every 3 months (CA-125). Radical hysterectomy in Sept. '24, pathology showing low-grade endometrioid ovarian CA, stage 1C2. It's how I found your writing, when I searched Substack for "ovarian cancer," because I was in that stage of wanting to know everything. But I loved your writing and stayed for European culture, book reviews and insights into a cosmopolitan life. Always thinking of you!
The canicule has been hellish for everyone but a perfectly most-hellish storm for you. Sooooo good that it literally stormed last night, thunder and lightning and precious rain. I read that the French government ordered 3,000 AC units for hospitals, which the article said people were demanding "how will this be paid for?" The right wing blames the left for not wanting to install AC widely for enviro reasons, and the left responds uh, hello, WHO has denied climate change?? Insanity....
Dear Jennifer, I wish I were a cool lake for you to swim in... Not much else to say, except that I hope you find some relief from heat, from pain, and from anxiety. Also: the beginning of your newsletter was a shock similar to the one I had when reading Marguerite Duras' opening sentence of the novel with the same title "Détruire, dit-elle." Only you build and you build - with your relationships and your writing. Also: I hear even the ecologists in France agree air-conditioning is needed, so hopefully they'll first install it in hospitals.
I am so sorry you are having these panic attacks. You seem to have found refuges from the heat every day.
About the patient rooms not having ac, I think I remember that they were actually thinking of it and then there was the outbreak of Legionnaires disease, or just the scare of it. That put a hard stop to installing ac in the patients' rooms. It's way past time to review that policy.
My daughter set out to see Disclosure Day at the beginning of the week but at the St. Emilion UGC the ac in the theater for that movie was not working so it was closed.
Yes, MK2 is also possible. She just has to cross the park and the river. But she felt the benefit of refreshing herself there would be lost on the walk home. I hope you are able to take advantage of the better temperatures this week.
Thank you, Ellen. The best AC in cinemas we found was at the M2K Bibliotheque Nationale, in case your daughter wants to try seeing Disclosure Day there! Also, interesting about the Legionnaires Disease. That didn't occur to me.
Hello Jennifer, thank you for your writing, even though it is painful reading. It was only 35 degrees in London, but I'm a wimp. My brother who's recently back from Kenya, told me he finds the humidity here difficult to deal with. I remembered when my daughter was a toddler in the 1976 heatwave ,and hated the heat but was OK once I filled a washing up bowl with water. she clambered in and I watered her with a watering can. By chance almost at the same time my daughter sent me a photo of her with her feet in ... a washing up bowl of water. Plus ca change. Send you love, even though we've only met via a few Society of Authors zoom meetings. Our daughters live on with our love. Keep writing! X
Oh my friend I hear you. This is so unfair. I too feel that clawing anxiety about the heat. How could they not let you in to swim at the lake? For that matter, how could they not have accepted that spaces need to be air conditioned?
For what it’s worth, about Disclosure: just saw it and thought: extremely accomplished performance by Emily Blunt.
I hope this week has brought some relief on all fronts. I remember being at the mercy of the rising Paris heat in a sixth floor chambre de bonne. But the temps were nothing like what you've been having.
Thinking of you and hoping the next heat wave won't be so hot.
Total commiseration! I hate the heat and always have. Summer was always my least favorite season. Add mosquitoes who have decided they love me. Fortunately our house has air conditioning, but it is the first time in my 83 life. Well I"d better go walk the dog before it starts heating. If you return to Sauve I can invite you over...
What an intense experience, I’m so sorry! And truly the lack of AC in hospitals is outrageous. I understand why they don’t have them in apartments, but surely controlling the climate for our sick and recovering is of utmost priority? I’m hoping you feel better soon.
Your writing about the Paris heat wave is as sharp as an arrow— your brain has yet to fry on the sidewalk! Thank you for making it come alive in a way “Le Monde” fails to address.
I know these don’t exist anymore, but in Los Angeles heat waves of yore, we would go to 24/7 movie theaters — open round the clock, often showing porn or at the very least, kung fu movies.
I didn’t know, didn’t care — I’d bring a headlamp to read my own book, chat loudly with my friends— the guys who go to these movies are mostly cruising each other, so no one cared WHAT you did.
I know you know this, but the “mommy” side of me wants you to take your happy pills until the heat wave breaks — you can’t get addicted overnight, and it will be a balm to your soul when no air-conditioning is present. You poor baby! Sending you icy frigid love . . .
I have been a longtime fan of your work and was thrilled to see you here! I'm kind of overwhelmed with happiness. I love your erotica anthologies and all else. You are a hero to women everywhere. I'm pinching myself. Love!
Well, now it’s mutual!
Thank you, Susie! What a wonderful message to receive. It is terrific to hear this from you. I love your stories of the 24-hour movie theatres and love picturing you reading with your headlamp. Are you still in LA? I've made it two days without any anti-anxiety meds which feels good. Although we have more heat predicted next week, so I am scared. Keep sending that icy frigid love! I hope all is well with you! Love, Jennifer
Jennifer, so sorry to hear of all you are going through. You have more energy even in this heat than most of us, I think! You seem to go to more readings, theatre, films, museums etc in a week than I do in a year, and you've inspired me to up my game! That said, I was thinking just two days ago about exactly what you are writing about here, i.e. fears and anxieties re: approaching end of life. My dad struggled wit this, and I drove him all around Denver (for hours!) to half a dozen hospitals because all of them asked if he felt like harming someone else or himself, the criteria to be admitted. (It was a 'no' when we started at 9 a.m., he told me, but by 5 pm? He said his answer had changed, haha). Finally, the first hospital we started with accepted him, and he spent a week there – this actually did help and gave him support. He then returned home. With the two Ts, you have so much love and support, not to mention your many friends. As for swimming in lakes? – yes, pristine lakes used to be free and you'd just jump in! I gave up and renewed my membership at a lake here, £££! But clean water and lifeguards, plus this heat, made me take the plunge so to speak. Still! Why can't we have clean water in our lakes and seas ... free, and free to access? As always, sending all best wishes and hugs, and hopes for a cooler week!
Thank you for sharing this America! I am sorry your dad had to go through so much in order to find help. It sounds like he still managed to have a sense of humor, remarkably! I am insanely grateful for the support I have. And yes, free waters to all! Love to you.
Thanks Jennifer, it helps to share that we are not all so brave i.e. 'stoically coping' as you say, all the time! (To be fair, my dad's hospital room was not 100 degrees). I meant to say, I certainly hope your books are well placed and you have time to enjoy said placement, bringing them out in the world. I loved 'Exile Music' and have 'Ambassador's Wife' lined up next.
Having followed your story closely the past six months, I find it to be a remarkable, moving, gritty, occasionally heartbreaking, detailed guidebook (I hesitated on that word) for how to live. Not just how to live when you’ve been told about your likely impending death, but how to live in general.
Here are some things that stand out to me:
- The photo of the town square with the orange background,
- The chocolate mousse bar: which one(s) did you try???
- “Put your pajamas in the freezer. Sleep with a wet towel. Strap a block of ice to your back.”
- “Write down my memories of my parents so that they don’t die with me.” (You could also dictate this, record yourself on your phone, in case the act of writing is too tiring)
- “I told him everything that was scaring me. Once I had unspooled all my fears, I felt calm enough to head home.”
- “Above all, I am afraid that I will die this summer and ruin Theo’s summer plans.”
- “At least I was cool. And surrounded by others in the community seeking refuge. It felt a calm oasis. There was even a photography exhibit on the ground floor. It all calmed my nervous system.”
- “At home Theo and I spent the evening reading together on my bed in front of the cooling machines until I slept.”
- “I cried in front of the children. Finally, I gave up and took half an anti-anxiety medication. I don’t like to take them as I don’t want to get addicted, but the situation had become insupportable.”
So beautiful, the things you’re doing and feeling. That was good advice from Troy.
One thing that struck me was your reluctance to take medication even when the panic becomes unbearable. It made me wonder whether the fear of dependence is causing you to endure more suffering than you need to. No one needs to white-knuckle panic attacks like that – panic which is perfectly understandable and normal. I also assume that the fear of addiction is wrapped up with wanting to stay as mentally clear, intellectually engaged, able to write, able to make decisions (and not be too sedated), and able to be conscious and connected to Theo, Tim, and friends – is that right?
That seems like a worthwhile conversation to have with your doctors, both in terms of dosage and type of anti-anxiety medicine. In France, cancer patients have the absolute right to receive the appropriate level and kind of anxiolytic, prescribed according to your entire clinical situation of course. (See https://www.parlons-fin-de-vie.fr/).
Sending love.
OH! Also: if you're medically/physically able to get away from Paris, and want to be in quiet, relatively cool environment with a swimming pool and Brittany beaches about 30 minutes away, we have space at La Source. Typically a visitor can stay for a week (or more) and the requested but negotiable fee is only 15 euros per person per night. We have room in the main house and in a camper van parked next to the horses and goats. TGV to Morlaix is 3 hours. https://www.instagram.com/p/Cw8bmACMmbA/
This is a suffocating piece to read. I’m so sorry. The discipline and passion with which you hold the lifeline that is your writing is inspiring. But I wish you also just got a break like a new drug trial and a book contract with a substantial advance.
I have first-hand experience with heat waves, anxiety and ovarian cancer, so loads of empathy coming from my little corner of Nor-Cal. We experienced a pretty strong earthquake here last week, so I am jumpy now at every shift and jostle. It took me a couple of days to get everything back where it goes, all the drawers closed that the earth shook open, and the pictures straightened out. But it is blissfully cool here, and I'm looking up into our Grand-Dad oak and wishing you peace and chill.
Thank you, Karen! The earthquake sounds scary. I'm not surprised you're feeling jumpy having felt the earth tremble under your feet. I hope that it stays still. I am sorry you have first-hand experience with ovarian cancer, heat waves, and anxiety and hope that you have recovered and or found relief. Or are you in treatment? I am grateful that you are thinking of me as you look up into your tree! I am a huge fan of trees. xo
I am currently in remission, but monitored every 3 months (CA-125). Radical hysterectomy in Sept. '24, pathology showing low-grade endometrioid ovarian CA, stage 1C2. It's how I found your writing, when I searched Substack for "ovarian cancer," because I was in that stage of wanting to know everything. But I loved your writing and stayed for European culture, book reviews and insights into a cosmopolitan life. Always thinking of you!
I hope you're finding cool spaces and soft places to sit. Sending love your way.
Nothing more glorious than a cool lake. I hope you are soon immersed in one. Keep cool ol pal. Xox
The canicule has been hellish for everyone but a perfectly most-hellish storm for you. Sooooo good that it literally stormed last night, thunder and lightning and precious rain. I read that the French government ordered 3,000 AC units for hospitals, which the article said people were demanding "how will this be paid for?" The right wing blames the left for not wanting to install AC widely for enviro reasons, and the left responds uh, hello, WHO has denied climate change?? Insanity....
Dear Jennifer, I wish I were a cool lake for you to swim in... Not much else to say, except that I hope you find some relief from heat, from pain, and from anxiety. Also: the beginning of your newsletter was a shock similar to the one I had when reading Marguerite Duras' opening sentence of the novel with the same title "Détruire, dit-elle." Only you build and you build - with your relationships and your writing. Also: I hear even the ecologists in France agree air-conditioning is needed, so hopefully they'll first install it in hospitals.
Thank you, Anca. I hope to see you soon! And I hope you have been finding ways to stay cool.
I am so sorry you are having these panic attacks. You seem to have found refuges from the heat every day.
About the patient rooms not having ac, I think I remember that they were actually thinking of it and then there was the outbreak of Legionnaires disease, or just the scare of it. That put a hard stop to installing ac in the patients' rooms. It's way past time to review that policy.
My daughter set out to see Disclosure Day at the beginning of the week but at the St. Emilion UGC the ac in the theater for that movie was not working so it was closed.
Best of luck to Theo for her bac.
Yes, MK2 is also possible. She just has to cross the park and the river. But she felt the benefit of refreshing herself there would be lost on the walk home. I hope you are able to take advantage of the better temperatures this week.
Thank you, Ellen. The best AC in cinemas we found was at the M2K Bibliotheque Nationale, in case your daughter wants to try seeing Disclosure Day there! Also, interesting about the Legionnaires Disease. That didn't occur to me.
Hello Jennifer, thank you for your writing, even though it is painful reading. It was only 35 degrees in London, but I'm a wimp. My brother who's recently back from Kenya, told me he finds the humidity here difficult to deal with. I remembered when my daughter was a toddler in the 1976 heatwave ,and hated the heat but was OK once I filled a washing up bowl with water. she clambered in and I watered her with a watering can. By chance almost at the same time my daughter sent me a photo of her with her feet in ... a washing up bowl of water. Plus ca change. Send you love, even though we've only met via a few Society of Authors zoom meetings. Our daughters live on with our love. Keep writing! X
Oh my friend I hear you. This is so unfair. I too feel that clawing anxiety about the heat. How could they not let you in to swim at the lake? For that matter, how could they not have accepted that spaces need to be air conditioned?
For what it’s worth, about Disclosure: just saw it and thought: extremely accomplished performance by Emily Blunt.
It was a very good performance! I agree.