Yet I punish everyone around me, people who love me, as my terror over the forthcoming trial emerges in anger and irritation. An oncologist exacerbates matters by discouraging me from doing the trial.
I had a similar experience when I had melanoma, not knowing what to do and no one would tell me what to do. I finally found doctors who answered the question, what would YOU do if I was you... Hoping you find a trial and a doctor who will tell you what they would do very soon.
What a terrible catch-22 kind of decision--no wonder you are feeling anger and anxiety! I hope the UK queries pan out and wish you the best in whatever course you chart. Feel all of your feelings--every one is valid and hopefully strengthening. Sending love.
You continue to be amazing in your ability to own and write about even the worst aspects of your life. Anger is a kind of fuel for dealing with a shitty situation. It would really be wonderful if “letting your anger out” was actually letting some of the toxins out of your body. I am hoping that is actually what is happening for you.
Jenny, your post made me think of two of my fave Movie Moments.
One was in an early Harry Potter where Ron accidentally has a curse rebound and ends up in Hagrid's hut vomiting slugs. Hagrid hands him a bucket, shrugs, and says, "Better in than out." Which is true. It's an enormous credit to you that you're letting all the feelings of this incredibly challenging time move through you. And you're owning it all. I say let it be your mantra: Own The Asshole!!!
The other is in "Amazing Grace," an exquisitely beautiful film by Michael Apted about the British abolitionist William Wilberforce. At one point, Wilberforce is being given a tour of a ship that transported enslaved Africans by Olaudah Equiano, who somehow survived the Middle Passage and ultimately escaped slavery. Horrified, Wilberforce asks him how he even survived the trip when so many died along the way. Equiano says, "Your life is a thread. It breaks or not." I carry that line with me all the time.
There's so much we just cannot control about the course of our lives. Almost everything, actually. But you have always chosen, are still choosing, and I know will always choose to live the holy hell out of yours. And that, my friend, is an inspiration.
J. You are incredibly strong but still all the emotions need space and expression . you have every right . And we
understand . I admire the force of nature that you are... yoga water aerobics "star" mothering, ballet, loving the very loving and strong Tim ,swimming in the healing sea and eating with gusto those things that are so healthy for the fight. Thank you for letting us share this precious time. Watching Theadora engaging in so many pursuits even during this time of uncertainty is a treat, You will continue to thrive! much love, Susie
I agree with others who say your anger is so normal and the people who love you must understand that. Try not to beat yourself up for it—you are still handling everything being thrown at you with far more grace than most. And grace is not required. It’s ok to be mad—
All of us on this thread are with you. You are totally allowed to be angry : that's reality right now. Think of cancer as that sand dragon in your picture: large and toothsome but soon to be carried away by the tide. You are strong even in fear. Sending love and support from New Mexico.
I so appreciate your words. Every time a “Liminal” arrives in my mailbox, I drop whatever I’m doing to read it. I want you to know you are heard.
I offer you this small gift. This morning I was in my yard, admiring our big strapping tree, which we did not plant, which volunteered.
When we first noticed it, we thought it was a weed, of course. It was maybe two feet tall. What else would it be? We took a photo to a local arborist, who said: “Oh! A silky oak!”
This silky oak poked up right beside our fence and will surely wreck it as it grows. This makes me love the tree more.
It’s now at least 30 feet tall, with delicate frond-ish leaves that do in fact look silky.
I greet it every morning. Today I turned to say hello, and there, on the very topmost twig, was a tiny bird. Swaying, holding on, the bird managed to execute a complete circle in place, sightseeing, surveying the whole world below.
Precarious situations, yes—for the bird, for the tree. But I saw them. They are here. With permission from nobody.
I had a similar experience when I had melanoma, not knowing what to do and no one would tell me what to do. I finally found doctors who answered the question, what would YOU do if I was you... Hoping you find a trial and a doctor who will tell you what they would do very soon.
What a terrible catch-22 kind of decision--no wonder you are feeling anger and anxiety! I hope the UK queries pan out and wish you the best in whatever course you chart. Feel all of your feelings--every one is valid and hopefully strengthening. Sending love.
You continue to be amazing in your ability to own and write about even the worst aspects of your life. Anger is a kind of fuel for dealing with a shitty situation. It would really be wonderful if “letting your anger out” was actually letting some of the toxins out of your body. I am hoping that is actually what is happening for you.
Jenny, your post made me think of two of my fave Movie Moments.
One was in an early Harry Potter where Ron accidentally has a curse rebound and ends up in Hagrid's hut vomiting slugs. Hagrid hands him a bucket, shrugs, and says, "Better in than out." Which is true. It's an enormous credit to you that you're letting all the feelings of this incredibly challenging time move through you. And you're owning it all. I say let it be your mantra: Own The Asshole!!!
The other is in "Amazing Grace," an exquisitely beautiful film by Michael Apted about the British abolitionist William Wilberforce. At one point, Wilberforce is being given a tour of a ship that transported enslaved Africans by Olaudah Equiano, who somehow survived the Middle Passage and ultimately escaped slavery. Horrified, Wilberforce asks him how he even survived the trip when so many died along the way. Equiano says, "Your life is a thread. It breaks or not." I carry that line with me all the time.
There's so much we just cannot control about the course of our lives. Almost everything, actually. But you have always chosen, are still choosing, and I know will always choose to live the holy hell out of yours. And that, my friend, is an inspiration.
Rooting for you Jennifer, to get the right advice and for time to wait. Margaret 🩷
These mixed messages from doctors sound so maddening. Thinking of you.
J. You are incredibly strong but still all the emotions need space and expression . you have every right . And we
understand . I admire the force of nature that you are... yoga water aerobics "star" mothering, ballet, loving the very loving and strong Tim ,swimming in the healing sea and eating with gusto those things that are so healthy for the fight. Thank you for letting us share this precious time. Watching Theadora engaging in so many pursuits even during this time of uncertainty is a treat, You will continue to thrive! much love, Susie
I agree with others who say your anger is so normal and the people who love you must understand that. Try not to beat yourself up for it—you are still handling everything being thrown at you with far more grace than most. And grace is not required. It’s ok to be mad—
Sending blessings and wisdom to you each day🙏🌺
Wishing you peace and strength, love! As always, D
We are with you and thinking of you, Tim and Theo all the time. A wave of warm hugs from us to you 🩵🩵🩵🩵
I don't know what else to say but I love you and that I'm thinking of you every day.
All of us on this thread are with you. You are totally allowed to be angry : that's reality right now. Think of cancer as that sand dragon in your picture: large and toothsome but soon to be carried away by the tide. You are strong even in fear. Sending love and support from New Mexico.
I so appreciate your words. Every time a “Liminal” arrives in my mailbox, I drop whatever I’m doing to read it. I want you to know you are heard.
I offer you this small gift. This morning I was in my yard, admiring our big strapping tree, which we did not plant, which volunteered.
When we first noticed it, we thought it was a weed, of course. It was maybe two feet tall. What else would it be? We took a photo to a local arborist, who said: “Oh! A silky oak!”
This silky oak poked up right beside our fence and will surely wreck it as it grows. This makes me love the tree more.
It’s now at least 30 feet tall, with delicate frond-ish leaves that do in fact look silky.
I greet it every morning. Today I turned to say hello, and there, on the very topmost twig, was a tiny bird. Swaying, holding on, the bird managed to execute a complete circle in place, sightseeing, surveying the whole world below.
Precarious situations, yes—for the bird, for the tree. But I saw them. They are here. With permission from nobody.
Sending love and respect.
I've never heard of a Silky Oak! Now I want to be one!
Thinking of you a lot and sending all the healing fairy dust vibes from NYC. What a sweet picture of you and Jeffrey ❤️.
Thinking of you and sending love